January 12th, or “Contemplating the Future, but, Like, Positively This Time?”

What I’m “Doing”:  Business Analysis.

What I’m Actually Doing:  Finally getting positive feedback on the thousands of job applications I’ve sent out into the universe.  It may have taken a month, and caused an actual mountain of deeply internalized self-doubt, but after weeks of radio silence I’ve started getting low key phone interviews here and there for jobs I wouldn’t hate and don’t involve 100% commission based multi-level marketing schemes and friends, I am here for it.

What I’ve Been Reading: “The Lesser Bohemians” by Eimear McBride, a beautifully written novel that explores and explains the experience of being a young girl in a new place and coming to terms with the world.  It took me a second to vibe with the structure of her prose, but once I tapped into it, the writing has the feel of an organic internal monologue.  I’ve been describing the book to friends as a James Joyce novel if James Joyce was a woman writing about coming into being as a younger woman, rather than a man writing about coming into being as a younger man.  Joyce, but with a feminine power, and significantly less pretension.  Joyce, but with a heart and soul I connect to deeply.

Currently Thinking About: How much of my recent deep-dive into self-improvement is helpful and how much of it is simply exacerbating and re-directing my anxieties into equally as problematic forms.  Thanks much to The New Yorker for that particular addition to my list of rotating back-of-mind fixations.

Thing I’m Feeling Positive About:  It’s one of those weeks where my near future looks brighter than it does bleak, and that’s a win for me.  I’ve got an upcoming weekend trip on the books, no horribly pressing and terrifyingly looming work thing in my very near future, and a couple of positive job leads starting next week.  It’s a beautiful post-rain Friday morning and everything feels clean and new and fresh again, and I’m rolling with it.

Leaving with a promise to myself, shouted into this empty void, to get better at writing more consistently, because I LIKE IT and ITS GOOD FOR ME and whatever.

-E

Photo by Bryan Minear on Unsplash